thoughts

there are moments in a day when i want to write a blog/book of my experience as a first time homeowner.  i'd include all the little intracies of things ppl never think to tell you or the overwhelming feelings you get when everything is thrown upon you.  i would draw little pictures of how i look when i can't even concentrate at work because i am too busy faxing and closing a house or maybe spell out a whole to-do list of essentials you need just to paint one room.

but as of now, i want to rant about how changes in life can affect you.  i am sure this is nothing compared to the important political issues of the world or the devastation that struck haiti recently with its crazy earthquakes, but hopefully in the process of my trivial blogging, i myself will discover a thing or two.

so everyone should be in agreement that i'm a scaredy-cat, right? esp when i was small, i used to hate needles, but i would take a breath and shut my eyes really tight while the nurse grabbed my arm and poked me.  i knew it was for my own good and it would all be over soon.  during the moment though, it'd hurt like poo, but you know what saved me?  bravery.  yes, i can be brave if i want to be... sometimes.

now i am faced with a challenge.  i want to be a soldier and fight off the obstacles.  i want to have the strength to conquer.  but, i somehow feel like i am so busy being brave shielding from the reality of what is happening, i possibly did not have a chance to let out all my sorrow... until tomorrow... with tissues i borrow...?

this is fine and all, but i am just really afraid i will break down at some point.  its like when you pull 3 all-nighters in a row and then right when you sit on your sofa in front of that tv on the third day, you crash.  you crash and burn.  cus you won't wake up until day 5, at which point you'd be as lost as when you were a zombie insomniac on day 2.  but back on topic, i hope i dont crash and burn.

and for some reason, in my mind, i feel like if i dont keep the sadness close or remember to hold on to my emotions, i am scared i will grow apart and forget.  it's like, i know and feel the separation will happen, but how do i prevent it?  or is it even preventable?  i want to stop the drifting before it even has a chance.  but then, does it really have to be a bad thing to live differently?  or does it serve as a sign when it does happen?

in conclusion, i have no idea what i'm talking about or what i'm to do.  i know there is no right or wrong answer.  i wouldn't say i feel lost because i do have direction.  i am just learning about how to cope with change and adjust in order to progress with my life.  i know i can be an emotional person, though i hope this is somewhat normal.  and as if any of this even makes sense, pls dont get me wrong, i am happy.